Some of the following jokes were contributed by visitors. Thanks for your contributions.
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The Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of
the
enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the
camel
for?".
The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have
natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right
with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand
it any
more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his
shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.
As
he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he
asked
the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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Italian Spelling
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at
first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two
asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
once-a
more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we
don't
talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to
spella
Mississippi."
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Sweatshirts
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he
notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?"
asks
the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off
her
blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your
chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of
it
that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off
her
blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do
you
ask?"
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This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, "Not too thick, not
too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook hears this
and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake. The guy then orders a
box of fries, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the
groove." The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up
his sleeves and gets him the box of fries. Then the guy orders a
hamburger, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the
groove." On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy,
and says, "You can just kiss my ass *or butt, whatever is appropriate*,
not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove
man, in the grooove.
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WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU STAND A BLOND ON HER HEAD ? ------A BRUNETTE
WITH BAD BREATH
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This next one is a bit mean-spirited and I don't agree with
it, but it is
kinda funny:
How can you tell when a woman is going to say something intelligent? She
starts out with "a man once said......"
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This burglar is breaking into some house at night. Sneaking around he
suddenly
hears: "Jesus is watching you!". The burglar is shocked, ducks down, remains
silent
for a while, but nothing happens. After a minute or so he decides to continue
his
search for the jewelery, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little
louder and
more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!". "Good heavens!" he
thinks,
"What's going on here?". He still doesn't dare to use his torch though.
Silently he
strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really*
watching
you!". Ok, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his
Maglite.
After a little looking around he detects this parrot.
Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age"
Burglar: "Phew that's not bad! You live here?"
Parrot: "Yep!"
Burglar: "Gosh I really thought something weird was going on here! What's
your
name?"
Parrot: "Henry"
Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot?"
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler!"
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Comforting advice.
"Relax, pal, we all masturbate...I masturbate, you masturbate, we all
masturbate...at Boy Scout Camp, we had a masturbation contest, I
finished first and third."
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Wildest sermon ever heard:
"The last time I worked in the South, I worked in Knoxville, Tennessee.
It's about 1957 in Knoxville. I drove down, and I got lost...and I was
driving around the outskirts of Knoxville, which is redundant...
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General
Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of
the store in a rocking chair...
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' phuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to phuck." "
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"Why do hummingbirds hum?"
"Why?"
"Because they don't know the words."
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Did you know O. J. Simpson belonged to a fraternity?
Yeah, D. Kappa Teta
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A guy gets on an elevator with a big, fat woman.
He says, "Can I smell your snatch?"
She says, "No."
He says, "Then it must be your feet."
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An East-Coaster walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top
of the
line model. The East-Coaster is suitably impressed, and buys
it. The next
day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down
1 tree
and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts
it up
to see what's wrong, and the East-Coaster says: "What's that
noise?"
More sex jokes than you can shake a big
stick
at. Not-so-clean, dirty jokes and sex jokes provide jokes lovers
with hours of sex jokes jocularity. Absolutley no jokes about it. Jokes
pages with
jokes like these sexy jokes are jokes pages with super funny
jokes.
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Q. What do a tornado, hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
A. Somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer. Ztyxrqpwvsq Qgwzhvxjyy
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Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three -- one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
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When the air traffic controllers went on strike in 1980, who was
called in
to
take their place?
Why, Tattoo and Bob Barker, of course. Tattoo would point to the sky and
yell, "Da plane! Da plane!" and Bob Barker would yell, "Come on down!"
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